So, this time tomorrow I will be heading to the hospital. Scared is not the word. All consuming terror is closer to it. It's not normal for me to be sorting out kitchen cupboards at 7:30 on a sunday morning, yet this is what I found myself doing earlier - keeping busy.
Mostly it's the unknown I'm worried about - how much pain will I be in? How much mobility will I have? I'm pretty compulsive about planning things down to the last detail so not knowing everything doesn't sit well with me. I have other minor concerns too - like the oxygen mask they use when putting you under. It always sets off a panic reaction that I just can't help. No matter how much I tell myself it's just oxygen and it's fine, if that mask goes flush against my skin I feel like I'm suffocating and cannot physically stop myself from pulling it off. The last two ops I have had they have allowed me to hold it myself just a millimetre above my mouth which is fine (because I'm in control) obviously as soon as I'm under they attach it but that's fine too. I hope they will be accommodating of my silly fear tomorrow....
Waking up is my biggest concern. Thanks to my recovery being mucked up during my last op I'm very apprehensive. Hopefully I can discuss this beforehand and have my fears alleviated but again, it's an unknown, and that scares me.
I really don't know how I'm going to cope, but I just want to get it over and done with and get back to my family. I won't have any internet access whilst in hospital, but I'm taking an old fashioned notebook and pen and if I'm not too spaced out on drugs to write will compose my blog updates and give them to my lovely husband who has offered to update this page for me - so watch this space!!
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